Vote for me or my secret police will hunt you down.
Why should I vote for you?
If you vote for me, You will receive a nice, fat check for $100. Whether I become President or not, just for voting
for me, you can get an easy $100!*
What is your foreign policy?
I would like to increase our aid to foreign countries. If elected, I intend to personally spend a lot of time
contributing money to the economies of poorer countries, such as Bermuda, Bora Bora, and certain regions in South
America and Central America such as Rio de Janiero and Cancun.
What will become of George W. Bush?
He will be sent to North Korea as a "Goodwill Ambassador." As you all know, Goodwill Ambassadors travel alone, have
no possessions, and are covered head to toe in tattoos in different languages all roughly meaning "I violated your
grandmother's corpse." It will be a permanent assignment.
What about the current state of the economy?
I intend to streamline America by ridding our country of all redundant states. For instance, is it really
necessary to have TWO Dakotas? I think not. I'm certain that there are many Asian countries in the world
that would be thrilled to add the bustling economy of West Virginia to a failing monetary system. These unneeded
states would be sold off to the highest bidder in a huge multinational auction, excluding only Canada. Other
areas may become available for sale if the price is right. An "associate" of mine has already given me an offering
of $78 Billion for the Redmond, Washington area. This money would be put back into some kind of economy... helping... thing. I don't know. I'll just give Alan Greenspan a check and tell him to go nuts.
Why not Canada?
As I'm sure many of you have noticed, America is being slowly overrun by "legal" Canadian immigrants. Only they
know for certain what their final plans are for America. One can only assume that the Canadian army is priming
for invasion along our vast undefended border. This insidious threat must be contained at any cost. If the
Canadians were able to purchase a state, there's no telling what havoc they could wreak. The Canadians have
already made their threatening presence known in the entertainment industries with the Barenaked Ladies, The Kids
in the Hall, Michael J. Fox, Alan Thicke, Alanis Morrisette... the list goes on and on. They're here, and they're
a very real threat. The elusive Canadians can enter American society easily and quickly: having been born on the
same continent and raised in touch with American culture, they can slip in undetected. Should you be unfortunate
to hear someone say "Eh?" or "A-boot" there is a very good chance you are in the presence of a Canadian. Just remember this rule of thumb: SHOOT FIRST, ASK QUESTIONS LATER. On the off
chance you shoot a Minnesotan, you will be fined $100. (Minnesota won't be a state much longer, so fuck 'em.)
Seriously, though, people... Celine Dion alone is reason enough to turn Ottawa into a smoldering crater. (For those of you who don't know--and unfortunately that's probably most of you--Ottawa is Canada's capital.)
Don't you have to be 35 to become President?
Yes. I am only 22, but I am in the process of obtaining documents that will prove me to be at least as old as
Strom Thurmond. (I'm so glad he's dead.) I'd prefer to have Letterman and Leno do liver spot jokes rather than acne jokes.
What do you intend to do about the breakdown of Medicare?
Anyone over the age of 75 that is still alive without the extensive use of medications, and is relatively healthy
will be allowed to maintain their citizenship. Those that are not will be driven into Canada and left there. Think you're so big with your nationalized health care, huh, Canada? HUH?!
This is all pretty vague. What about everything else?
That's what my Vice President and cabinet are for. Once I get elected I'm raping the U.S. Treasury and disappearing until it's time to start campaigning for reelection.
W
h
a
t
a
b
o
u
t
d
r
u
g
s
?
The war on drugs will come to a decisive end. The drugs will win. Everything
will be legal. Druggies and Hippies of the United States, unite!
You are, without question, the greatest presidential candidate in American history. How can I give you money for
your campaign, O Glorious Leader?
I accept donations through my PayPal account at zoidberg77@hotmail.com. If the campaign finance reforms go through,
you can give me up to two thousand dollars. And I strongly recommend that you do so. My secret police are watching.
*All checks will be post dated May 17th, 3000 and will in nearly worthless Canadian dollars.